What is congruent Communication: Communication that is harmonious, authentic; where words fit feelings
To improve relations with children, teachers need to use language of acceptance (as opposed to rejection). Teachers’ statements affect children’s self-esteem and self-worth.
Teachers should drop the language of blame, shame, preach, moralize, order, boss, admonish, accuse, ridicule, belittle, threaten, bribe, or diagnose. “These techniques brutalize, vulgarize and dehumanize children.”
“Talk to the situation, not to the personality and character” – deal with the problem, not the person.
ANGER
When angry, use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. “I am annoyed, I am appalled…” vs “Who do you think you are? What have you done?”
“When teachers are angry, children are attentive. They listen to what is said.”
“Native tongue of lost tempers is insult” but we can use other ways to express ourselves.
COOPERATION
Avoid commands, use invitations
Offer choice and voice in matters
Drop polemics (strong statements of opinions, often negative)
ACCEPTANCE and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
“Uncritical messages invite cooperation; a critical message engenders resistance.”
Acknowledge a child’s statement or state of mind; it is not necessary to denigrate his opinions
LABELING IS DISABLING
Your diagnosis (accurate or otherwise) may become the disease. Again, talk about the situation – do not label the person. “You are so careless…” vs “Do you need help?”
Children will live up to our expectations – destinations become destinies…
CORRECTION IS DIRECTION
“Helpful correction is direction. It describes processes. It does not judge products or persons.”
Guide, not criticize.
TEACHERS’ QUESTIONS
Avoid questions “that make a child feel foolish, guilty, enraged, and vengeful.”
Questions have consequences (why are you so stupid? Why can’t you behave for a change?)
CHILDREN’S COMMENTS
When children come up with questions or comments unrelated to the lesson, respond with respect, treating them as persons and give them credit for their questions. Educate; don’t emasculate.
NO SARCASM
Sarcasm can be unintentional insults – caustic comments deflate self-esteem and prevent learning.
NO HURRIED HELP
Listen to their problem, rephrase it, clarify it, and give children credit for formulating it. With a little facilitation, children can come up with their own solutions. This teaches them to rely on their own judgment. If we readily offer solutions, they lose out on learning opportunities to be competent in problem solving.
Avoid hasty consolations or glossing over their fears and anxieties.
BREVITY
When dealing with minor mishaps (lost pencil, forgotten assignment, etc), don’t waste time – be solution oriented and settle present problems without dwelling on past or future.
Nagging wastes time and hold backs learning.
IMPACT ON CHILDREN
Children respond differently to benign and destructive messages that teachers bring into the classroom.
CONGRUENT COMMUNICATION (pg 98-99)
Congruent communication can transform education. It strikes not just at the trappings of teaching but at the heart of learning. Yet it has not been tried in our schools. Never has its full force been lavished on children to enrich their personalities and ennoble their lives.
Unlike pilots, architects, or surgeons, teachers are not rigorously trained in the skills of their calling. Somehow they are expected to enter the classroom well versed in the intricacies of human relations. In the course of their daily work teachers are called upon to
- Motivate learning
- Encourage autonomy
- Bolster Self-Esteem
- Engender Self-confidence
- Allay anxiety
- Diminish Fear
- Decrease Frustration
- Defuse Rage
- De-escalate conflict
Teachers, like parents, need a high degree of competence in communication. An enlightened teacher shows sensitivity to semantics. He knows that the substance learning by a child often depends on the style used by the teacher. He has an awareness of feelings and a fitting language to convey understanding. He is allergic to communication that changes children for the worse. He avoids blaming and shaming and is averse to insult and intimidation. His language is free of destructive dialogue and rhetorical rape.
Congruent communication is an achievement. It requires learning and rehearsing and self-discipline. It is not just “doing what comes naturally.” Like all skill, it demands practice. Like all art, it requires selection. It is consoling, but untrue, to claim that in a good relationship one can say anything with impunity. It is like believing that when in good health one can swallow anything without harm – including posion.
One caution: A teacher cannot be artificial and effective. Nothing defeats him more than phoniness. No one can pretend respect and care without being detected. Skill divorced from genuineness is soon unmasked. In teacher-child relations there is no alternative to congruence.
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